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Friday, January 22, 2016

Humans are Funny -- By Special Guest Blogger Orion LoBiondo

Hellooooooo everyone!  It’s me, Orion, everyone’s favorite four-legged LoBiondo.  I have been asking and asking Momma to let me do another blog and she finally said yes!  She said I wore her down, just like her 2-legged kids, my two brothers.  What does that even mean, Momma?  Humans are so funny sometimes.

Like with the GAR-BUJ Can in the kitchen,  Does anyone know where I can file a formal protest?  I PROTEST my Momma throwing out perfectly good chicken bones!  And she throws out the steak bones and porkchop bones and all the best bones in the world.  She puts them in that bad Gar-Buj Can.  Do they think I can’t smell through the Garbage can??  I smell everything in this house and all day I sit on my bed, working hard to protect this house from Evil Squirrels.  I can barely take a nap without one of those furry rats coming on my property and I have to get up and bark my head off.  And the whole time all I can smell is the chicken bones in the Gar-Buj Can.  Bones are for munching on and for burying in the backyard, Momma!  Humans are so funny, throwing away the best stuff.  But that’s OK, I still love them even if they don’t know what’s best for them.  I am PAY-SHUNT like that.
My momma’s also funny because she likes to pretend she goes downstairs and works so hard on her ERG-MOMMA-TER (her indoor rowing machine).  Don’t get me wrong, Momma goes downstairs and gets on the Erg for a long time.  But she’s not working all that hard.  She is watching Netflix.  And her erg scores depend on whether she is watching something funny like The Office (very slow erg scores because Momma is laughing so hard) or Law and Order (very fast because Momma gets so caught up and her blood is boiling trying to solve the mystery).  I know for a fact she barely gets above 20 strokes per meter while watching Nurse Jackie.  But that’s OK, Momma is trying hard to do this ERG-MOMMA-TER competition with her friends so she does it almost every night.  It’s mostly an excuse to watch her shows in peace but that’s OK, she’s a good Momma and she should get her alone -- I mean exercise -- time.  Momma is so funny like that.
Daddy is funny too.  Momma bought him a big comfy LAY-ZEE-BOY chair and all day long all Daddy wants to do is come home and get into his LAY-ZEE-BOY chair.  He gets up at 5 am every morning to take my brother Christian to the train station to go to Don Bosco, then goes to work all day.  I heard somebody on one of Momma’s shows say whatever you think about when you first wake up is what you love best.  If that’s true then Daddy definitely loves his LAY ZEE BOY Chair the best.  And Momma definitely loves dinner the best because the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up is what she’s going to make for dinner.  Humans are so funny.  They should be thinking about the Gar-Buj Can, that’s where all the good stuff is.  
Maybe the funniest thing about Momma is how much she loves her fireplace.  Why is that funny, you say?  Because it’s not a real fireplace, it’s an electric heater that makes fake flames pictures.  But Momma loves that “fireplace” so much!  She moves it around to whatever room she’s in.  And she says things like, “is there anything better than having the whole family around a roaring fireplace?” My brothers used to remind her it wasn’t a real fireplace but Momma insisted it was just as good, maybe better, so Daddy told my brothers to drop it.  I have to say, you can always find me curled up in front of Momma’s electric -- I mean -- her fireplace.  It’s super cozy.  And maybe a little bit funny.
But there’s no place I’d rather be than on my bed in the living room, surrounded by my family.  It’s OK if they only have two legs, they don’t know how to properly sniff a butt, they pass up drinking perfectly good toilet water, and they throw away chicken bones.  They’re a little funny, but they’re my family and I love them so much my heart sometimes feels like it might burst with love.
Gotta go bark at -- I mean greet -- the postman (when is Bob the Postman coming back?? Bob gave me treats!!).  Have a great day everyone and Momma said to remind everyone to Count your blessings!  Signed -- Orion LoBiondo