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Saturday, February 22, 2014

GROWING UP LoBIONDO – Special Guest Blogger Orion



Hello, Humans!  My name is Orion LoBiondo, the youngest offspring of the LoBiondo Family.  I have been wanting to write a Guest Blog for my mom for a long time, I have so much to say!   I am what humans call a “dog,” although I prefer the term “canine offspring”.    I am half lab and half pointer, I was “bred” (can I tell you how offensive that terms is …. Ok, save it for a later Blog) to hunt.  I remember being a little puppy in a pet shop for a long time in Pennsylvania.  Many humans looked at me and said I was cute.  But no one bought me, so I was sent to a shelter in Pennsylvania.  I was scheduled for a Trip to Never Never Land, when someone said, “What a shame for this beautiful dog to be destroyed, let’s see if another shelter can take him.”  A nice lady made a lot of phone calls, and then they drove me to the Middletown Humane Society.

            That’s when I started sending messages to my REAL mom (you guys call her Mrs. Lo) by ESP.  “Come and get me, Momma, I want to come home,” I would mentally telegraph to her.  “I really want to come and snuggle with you guys and you really need me to protect the house from those evil, plotting squirrels.”   This was 35 years ago.  Oh sorry, right, I should use human time, this was 5 years ago in human time.  Finally, Momma came out to the Middletown Humane Society, she had searched for me on the “Splinter-Net” and had a printout of a photo of me. 
As soon as I saw my mom, I was delirious with happiness, “Momma, Mom, Mom, Momma, Mom, Momma,” I kept calling to her.  (To you guys it just sounds like Woof, Woof, Woof, but that’s because you only speak Human).  “Ohhh, you have such soulful eyes, I love you!” said Momma.  “Ok, let’s go,” I said, and I tried to get in the car with her.  But of course, she had to get Daddy’s permission to adopt me.  The next day, Daddy came out with my brother and BFF Christian.   I jumped right up on Christian and licked his face.  We were BONDED already.  He had already been dreaming about me.  He put his arms around me and refused to leave without me.  Daddy tried to be all stern and say, “Son, I know you really want a dog but you know you have allergies.  What if you’re allergic to dog hair?”  (He’s not)  “Plus, we like to go on vacation, who will watch the dog, let’s be practical, and blah blah blah.”  So, I knew I had to impress Daddy with my Skillz.  I peed all around the perimeter of the place and sniffed his butt real good.  Even though he said, “down, boy, down!” – you could just tell, he was really impressed. 
            So that’s how I became a LoBiondo.  All the other dogs around here are like, “Wow, what’s it like being a LoBiondo?  Does your mom really cook that much, is your dog bowl lined with gold, do they feed you meatballs all the time?”  Listen, it’s awesome being a LoBiondo, having a Mom, Dad and two great brothers, but I have a lot of work to do around here, it’s not like I just lie around and nap all day.  OK, maybe I do nap all day but I definitely have one eye open while I’m napping.  I have to -- it’s like the DMZ out here, Dude!   First of all, I have to protect my mom’s Garden at all times.  You humans call it a garden, but you know what the critters call it?  Yup – Lunch.  This neighborhood is infested with critters – groundhogs, raccoons, squirrels, woodpeckers.  Well, the other houses are, not My House, though.
When I first got here, my humans had a woodchuck living in a hole under the House.  Oh heck no, not in my house, Son!  I barked and barked and flushed that little Chubster right out of there.  He was so chubby from eating Momma’s vegetables, that he could barely run.  He was easy pickins.  I was bred to hunt, remember?  Don’t worry, he lived.  Why?  Because just when I had him in my mouth, Momma yelled at me and distracted me.  “No, no, Orion, don’t eat the woodchuck, no, Boy, no,” she was yelling from the porch in her fuzzy pink bathrobe.  OK, Momma, chillax, I was NOT going to dispatch him, I was going to bring you an early birthday present, but that was her loss.  Still, it is my sworn duty to protect this House and my humans, and I’ll be darned if any critters are going to get past me.  All day long, I bark at those evil, beady eyed squirrels.  And as soon as Momma comes home and lets me out, I chase them right to the end of my stupid electric fence (which I really dislike but I guess we can’t have everything). 
            Also, it is my sworn duty to retrieve the newspaper.   Dad trained me to fetch the newspaper every morning and bring it in the house.  This is especially important, so that my parents don’t have to go out in the snow and the rain to get the paper, and my mom doesn’t have to be seen in her pink bathrobe (are you noticing a trend here?)  However, I got really confused a while back because the newspaper stopped coming.  I was a little depressed to be honest with you.  I mean, this was like taking away my stripes when I did nothing wrong.  Dad said he couldn’t stand that newspaper, it was too “Lib-A-Rull” whatever that means.  So I communicated to my Mom with a soulful look in my eyes and she got the message.  “Please, Momma, make the newspaper come back.”  So Momma made some phone calls and now the newspaper comes once a week on Sundays.  The newspaper carrier likes to make my life difficult and throws it in a big snowdrift every time there is a snowstorm.  But that doesn’t stop me.  If that paper is out there, I will find it, pick it up in my teeth and bring it in the house with my tail wagging like nobody’s business.  Daddy promptly throws everything except the comics in the recycling bin and says something about “Paw-La-Ticks.”  Momma doesn’t like any news – newspapers or TV news because it’s always bad news.  She only reads the Sentinel and the Mid Hudson Times and the Hudson Valley Press but they all come in the mailbox.  Don’t even get me started on the new Postal carrier.  Bob used to bring me milkbones but the new guy only brings mail!  So I bark at him, of course.  And he’s afraid of dogs, which just makes me nervous and I bark at him more.  I really wish Bob would come back.
            But my most important job is just being here for my family.  Especially Christian.  There is nothing like a boy and his dog.  I love all my family equally.  OK, humans say that, that’s not actually true.  I love Christian the best because he is my soul-human.  He really understands me.  We were meant to be together and he loves me so much my heart almost bursts everytime he comes in the door.  I show him this by licking his face and dancing in a circle with my tennis ball. The first thing he does in the morning is come down and feed me, pet me, and throw me the ball outside, even if it’s raining or snowing.  It’s the first thing he does when he comes home from school too.  I am awesome at catching the ball and bringing it back.  When Christian was 8 years old, he could throw the ball OK but every year he gets bigger and stronger.  Now, when we go to the park he can throw that tennis ball super far.  Momma and I always thought he could be a Quarterback but the football people said he doesn’t have the “Tail-Lent” to be QB.  I don’t think they know what they’re talking about but he likes being a Receiver.  It’s kind of like what I do but instead of catching the ball and bringing it back to the QB, he tried to get it to the End Zone.  This makes absolutely no sense to me, but my family loves this game anyway.
And at night, after sports practices and homework, Christian lays down next to me and we watch sports together.  My mom had to get a special order extra large dog bed so my brother could fit on it with me.  Sometimes we pray together.  I can hear the prayers of all my family.  We all thank God for bringing us all together.  My family prays for a lot of different people and causes.  But, after I count my blessings, like Momma taught me, I always pray for the same thing, “Dear Lord, please let all the dogs in shelters find a home that’s even half as happy as mine, that is all I ask for.”
            Oh man, I would tell you more, but right now there is an evil squirrel thinking about coming on my property.  I have to go bark my head off.  “How many times do I have to tell you, not in My House, Son??!!”
-        WOOF!!!
For more information on the Middletown Humane Society, visit: http://www.middletownhumanesociety.com/
For more of Mrs. Lo’s Blog, visit: www.lobiondopage.blogpsot.com