Happy
Birthday in Heaven to my grandmother, Ellen McCaffrey McGrath (“Nellen”), who was
born on January 21, 1907. It’s hard to
believe that this March will mark her 20th Anniversary in Heaven. Nellen is someone I think about every
day. One of the reasons I do what I can
for my family and my community is because I know a person can have an impact on
other long after they are gone. It’s
important to me to that I should have a legacy.
Nellen’s legacy is the accomplishments of her grandchildren -- that
would be me, and my brother, Uncle Michael.
Nellen was a tough Irish-American educator (she was one of the first
females to receive an Education Doctorate from NYU), a font of wisdom, a laugh
fest, and the measure of all things elegant and graceful. And she would also go Balls to the Walls
(please forgive the expression but there is no other more apt) if anyone messed
with her family. I like to think that I
have inherited some of her qualities but, of course, the Good Lord broke the
mold when he made Nellen.
I should add
that Nellen was not my actual grandmother, she was my Great Aunt. That is, my maternal grandfather’s
sister. Both of my mother’s parents died
before I got to know them. On my father’s
side: his father died during World War
II in the Philippines, and his mother did not come to live with us until I got
older. In the meantime, Nellen, who did
not have any biological children of her own, basically adopted us as her
grandchildren. She came and got us
almost every weekend and took us to her beautiful Victorian home in Cold Spring. It was a treasure trove, filled with working
fireplaces, an Attic with treats and endless discoveries, a full working
library and a grand, beautiful sloping staircase with burnished handrails that
we loved to slide down. It was
Shangri-La compared to our suburban home.
She was also constantly adopting stray dogs off the street, which was an
endless source of pleasure for us kids.
Thus, by the time someone mentioned in passing conversation that Nellen
was not our biological grandmother but our great aunt, it was simply
irrelevant. We understood but didn’t
care about the technicalities, she was our grandmother for all intents and
purposes.
Some of my
favorite memories were of going to her house on weekends with my brother when
we were little. First, she would could
us anything we wanted for Dinner, it was usually steak and eggs. We got to help in her big country kitchen. Then we would make tiny little cakes and
frost them and take them to the big recliner couch where we would sit and feast
and watch our favorite shows, from Donny and Marie to the All in the Family, to
the Jeffersons and the Love Boat. Later
on, there was Fantasy Island.
When I was
at NYU, Nellen would write me letters on heavy, creamy embossed stationery,
telling me about her adventures with the dogs and her charity work. I loved getting those letters in my
mailcubby. Once a month or so, she would
come into the City and we would go to Tavern on the Green, or a museum or a
Broadway play. She was nowhere near as
monied as the other NYU grandmothers but she was better educated, better spoken
and never failed to show in her mink coat in the winter or her best Chanel suit
in the nice weather. Nellen was a class
act, all the way; however, if you messed with her grandkids, she wouldn’t
hesitate to crack your skull with her cane.
Literally.
Nellen had
been a teacher, then a principal, then an assistant Superintendent at a school
system in Harlem. She was one of the
first commuters from Cold Spring, taking the train in every day. I love the photos of her and her sister,
Margaret, also a teacher, during those days.
They were so elegant, always dressed in heels, gloves, smart suits, pearls,
and wide brimmed hats. They looked like
movie stars, not school teachers. Nellen’s
last job was as a principal in Harlem. She
was permanently partially disabled during what were referred to as the “race
riots” of the 1960’s. During the riots,
her life was actually in danger. Her
kids, as she called them, were constantly running into her classroom and
forming a human shield to protect her.
One day, the riots were very bad, and they formed a shield around her to
try to move her out of the building to her car. They told her that if anyone saw a white
adult, there could be danger. These were high school kids protecting her, mind
you. A bottle rocket exploded next to
her and she pushed the kids out of her way.
The kids were fine, but pieces of glass lodged throughout Nellen’s leg
and permanently disabled her knee despite several operations. She always walked with an incredibly elegant
cane after that.
This was
right around the time I was born. My
mother was alone, with my father in the Navy shipside in Vietnam for
years. Sensing a need, Nellen simply
stepped up and became our grandmother, teaching my mother everything she needed
to know about kids, although she technically never had any of her own.
Nellen did
not appreciate anyone who took themselves too seriously and would cut them down
with a witty remark and friendly smile without them even knowing it. It was from Nellen that I learned that words
would be my tools, whether as a lawyer or as a writer. Nellen had so many great lessons, so many
great sayings, I wish I could pass them all on to you. Among my very favorites, “Swing with me,
Sister” (just go with the flow); “Enjoy the life you have, this is not a dress
rehearsal;” “Life is uncertain, eat Dessert first;” “Never save your good china
for a special occasion, every day is a special occasion;” “Education is more
important than money; any fool can earn money, but an education is priceless;” “While
your friends are out having fun, and you’re home studying, you’ll be the one to
reap the benefits when you’re older and they’re struggling;” “Spend one night
crying your eyes out, then put on some lipstick and get out there, no man is
worth two night’s tears;” and of course, my Life’s Credo and my signature line:
“Count Your Blessings!”
Remember to
Count Your Blessings every day, and throughout the day. And, before you complain about the
government, the weather, the (FILL IN THE BLANK), ask yourself, is this the
Legacy I want to leave behind? Or do I
want to be remembered as someone who dedicated themselves to their family and
the community. I know that’s what Nellen’s
legacy is. Happy Birthday in Heaven,
Nellen, we love and miss you always!
<3 Love, Julia and Michael, Lolo and Lola P.S. I wish you could have
met Anthony and the boys, you would have loved them, but I know you’re looking
down on us from Heaven
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